The Great Abortion

I wonder what your answer would be if I asked was it all worth it losing me again. Are you happy now, that you lost the one girl that loved you and your flaws, and a chance to be the daddy you wish to be to your first born child. Now I’m sitting here. Telling your kid you dead, this ain’t no lie. Since you broke my heart, you died along with it…

Never did I find a man, worthy enough to father your kid, or mend my broken heart. I fear if my heart is ever mended. Memories of the love we once had would come alive again. Never will I love another the way I love you. Hey I forget to mention, I did end up giving him the name you wanted. Just couldn’t give him your surname… 

He’s a spitting image of you, with your name, your surname would have been a bit too much for me to handle. Haha, he does that thing with he’s nose, the thing you do when you overwhelmed with excitement. And lies in my arms all day when he’s hurt. He is the kid you’d be proud to call your first born. 

I put my life on hold. 18 years old, fresh outter high school and filled with excitement to start university…And now my peers, drive passed me every morning, while I wait at the bus stop and head to work.

Remember how you’d encourage me to study hard so our kid don’t grow up suffering? I mean we went to the best private schools money could offer. Had the latest gadgets and bragged all year long how they were custom made. I work my hands numb. Until blisters become raw on my feet. So that our baby could get the best money can buy. But it is never enough…

Since he to inherited your disease. Yes, he’s diabetic too. He’s hospital visits have become a monthly routine. Which disrupts my working, which decreases the cashflow. I almost lost my job early october, because he was admitted for a longer period this time. I cried and cried my eyes out, till they were bloodshot red. But he’s back up again. Healthier than most kids. He’s life is a blessing. And I’m blessed to see him live it.

Oh but the sad thing is… I won’t get to see it all… Because not only did you plant this seed of life in me… You embedded death’s companion in me too… I was lucky to be able to protect your kid. It is what you would have wanted… 

I was listening to the news the other day. And I guess this is why I’m writing you this letter. I hear you have made a name for yourself. Rich and successful. But humble as I met you. I don’t know why you never got married. You were a casanova in our days. Guess I expected you to settle down and have babies, even though you were the unfaithful type. 

I never wished you bad luck. And I hope it is not my fault in anyway you go home to an empty house, filled with the best artifacts money can buy. But I don’t understand why you keep the door to one room closed. Is that meant to be our babies room?

Here’s the ending to this long story. I never intended to ever tell my kid you were alive and who you were. We managed to live 13 years without you and your money. All my baby has is me… 

But I’m afraid that this is my last night alive. So here’s your son, and all the things I tried to build for him. I told him who you are. But not the man who ruined things for me and him. But a father who’s longing to meet he’s creation. 

Just do me this one favour…. Don’t disappoint him like you have me. Because it is not the virus, AIDS, that you gave me that killed me… Twas all the lies and disappointment I had to live with in this broken heart of mine. You killed me in a way no one thought could be possible. I just merely grew tired of being strong. But I know you will be a good father to your Son ♡. PS I’m sorry he’s in a paper bag…


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